The Fine Art of Make-up

Warning: The following views expressed by this article are intended for humor and perhaps a certain degree of enlightenment. As the subject being covered may be considered personal, those who are unduly sensitive or just soft of heart should not read. The author sincerely apologizes for any hurt feelings that may occur as a result of exposure to this document.


Make-up is a strange thing. It has many uses; feature enhancement, complete facial make-overs and assistance in discovering or creating a new personality.

Make-up is a powerful thing. It has the power to create, or destroy. Whether it destroys you or that zit on your face, depends on how you wear it.

Make-up is a weapon. It can charm, repulse and even amuse. Who it's repulsing, depends on how you put it on.

And thus Make-up is a double edged sword.


Since make-up is obviously so powerful; it should be used with a sense of responsibility. You are most certainly creating an impression. An impression which --we hope-- is for the better.

However a lot of young apprentices, new to the make-up industry seem to have been horribly misguided by their teachers.Oh I admit some of you don't have teachers and perhaps the school of hard knocks wasn't the best way to go. But... could you at least ASK?

I admit some of the masters at the art are...far... from... savvy, but even then there is surely someone you can find. Even using something as simple as common sense. For example, blondes should never use black mascara. To even suggest that it looks natural is a mockery of reason. Whether they look in the mirror or not is debatable. Havn't they noticed that it makes them look...unwell? That sickly black tinge around those lovely blue orbs is just. not. flattering. Whoever told them they look nice; has played a cruel joke. Perhaps it's time they re-examined their friends.

I wonder; how many of the young ones wish to go to clown school? It seems the beauty side of make-up is just not for them. Perhaps it's because of the bright eye shadow that starts at those lovely lashes and touches the eyebrows. You really forget about the eye; that bright pink stuff smudged all the way up your forehead is much more fascinating.

Perhaps it's that shiny, oh-so-red lipstick? Besides being able to send morse-code with it, it does give you the appearance of a certain...large red smile.

And we mustn't forget the blush. White people should never wear blush. Those rosy, rosy cheeks just look...well... rosy... in a very ..pink.. sort of way.

As for the eyebrows... well...when you shave them off, use a ruler. Some of them come out kind of crooked. The results are hilarious. Too high, and you look anal retentive and grumpy, too low and you look...well.. depressed. And if you shave them off, have a friend draw them back on. It looks weird to have one eye brow larger and/or slightly higher then the other.

I'm sure you intend to look gorgeous, but frankly you rival the clowns at Barnum and Bailey. I suppose we're being cruel by not pointing it out to you; but we figure if you saw youself in the mirror and were comfy comming out that way...who are we to stop you?


Another thing, just because Angelina Jolie (and Elizabeth Taylor for that matter) does it; doesn't mean you should too. It is not sexy to have dark eye shadow smudged all the way up to your eyebrows. You look like you just walked out of a cat fight. Granted, there are some damsel-in-distress sort of guys out there... if that's your type. But most of them will stay away after awhile. Who wants to constantly be fixing that? And if your getting in that many fights, you must certainly be starting them.

And old women should not follow after Mary Tyler Moore. It is not becomming to dye your hair and paint your lips bright red. Elderly women look clownish with the colored hair, and the red lips against the lily white skin. Especially the wrinkly lily white skin. And PLEASE don't try foundation. That stuff is like a magnifying glass. You may feel younger; but you sure don't look it! In fact it almost looks like you have the whole california fault line right there on your face.

Black women should never wear bright red lipstick, regardless of age. It's like wearing neon green on black. It's absolutely blinding and you look...well...made-up. The whole point is natural.

So to help all of you out I've gathered some beauty tips!

1. Never put mascara on both eye lids. For starters, those long sexy lashes look strange if both the bottom and the top are the same length. (like HELLO! Anyone got a razor?! The lashes need a trim!) For that cute, anime look that makes your eyes look oh so large, you need the top lash only.

2. Never push hard when applying your mascara. Having black rings around both eyelids just under the lashes is neither natural nor sexy. We can all[i] tell your wearing mascara, and you look like you have two shiners. Again, damsel-in-distress sort of men only fall for that for a little while.

3. Spend the extra buck and get higher quality mascara. Melty mascara puts those black rings around your eyes and looks cheap. It's also incredibly inconvenient because you have to keep fixing it. It's [i]really hard to make it look good and answer the phone at the same time.

4.Eye shadow should be just that; shadow. Not dark because you look like a species from another planet. Not up to your eyebrows because you look like a 'first of may-er' (Clown school n00b). It should be a thin band of color just above the lashes that compliments your eye color.

5.Shave your eyebrow's moderately. Don't shave them off and draw them in. That spells disaster. (Such as, we KNOW you drew THOSE in! We can see the height difference!). Don't shave them down to nubs. We are not applying to the Federation as Vulcans. (When they're that short, they really do look crooked) If anything all you really need to do is shave the hair off the bridge of your nose.

6. Pick lipstick that matches the tones on your face, not the lip color you wish you had. Yes! We all want big fat bright red lips! But most of us don't have them because they are just that: big fat bright red lips. We were not all designed to play 'clown.' Let's face it, bright red is just not your color. Grinning like the joker is just. not. complementary. Try something warmer, or darker. The fat lips are not there because they wouldn't look good on your face. (We know because people who get lip injections, look like they've been punched in the mouth.)

7. Use only a little blush. Yeah, we all want those healthy, ruddy cheeks. But it goes into 'drunk and rosy' pretty fast when your really slapping it on! It's supposed to do more then emphasize your cheek bones, like make you look soft. Putting tons of it does neither. Instead you look like you have eczema.

8. Use your foundation responsibly. If you go and get a tan, buy a darker base. Otherwise we can all see where the make-up touches your neckline. That pretty much means you can kiss 'natural' good-bye. So don't be a skinflint. Spend the extra five bucks scrooge!

9. Always push up. Pushing up is more then just a fitness routine; when you put your base on push up instead of down. Same goes for just about everything else you smear on your face. Gravity exerts enough tension on the precious and delicate collagen in that beautiful face. Keep pushing down and twenty years from now your going to look like an unironed shirt. By pushing up you counter the forces of gravity and so maintain that lovely, flawless face a little longer.


So anyway instead of destroying your natural beauty and creating a monster, thus replusing that really cute guy you've been trying to catch for two years (and all the rest of us for that matter), BE RESPONSIBLE. Use your make-up as it was intended! Wield your weapons properly. The army would be ashamed of you!

Stop trying to frighten the children. If you really want to do that; I'm sure Barnum and Bailey will be happy to take you. And please don't go out and do it just cause the stars are. Their make-up artists are over paid anyway. And let's face it: no matter how much you want to look just like them, you could never get your body into that skinny little anorexic mold.

--Aren't you glad you can eat?--

Do what's right for you, not for Angelina. It's your face not hers. Infact, she's not even renting it.

Oh one more thing:

10. Throw away make-up older then six months. Your not a scientist. (well, maybe you are. But I don't think chemical warefare is your specialty.) Your not going to discover a cure. Infact you'll probably just give yourself something real nice--everyone loves presents!-- like herpes in your eye. Not a fun christmas surprise. So unless your trying some sort of self-denial thing through suffering and pain, OR you just like to be sick, PLEASE cleanout your make-up drawers regularly. No one wants to be the starter of the next pandemic.